NEIGH: 5 ways to support one whose horse has died

A handful of heartfelt hints for encouraging a grieving horse lover

Our long-time beloved family horse died several months ago, and I still miss him. This loss also revived my sorrow over losing my very first horse, a challenging, but life-changing and once-in-a-lifetime mare, several years ago. I just heard that a once-naughty little show pony, who taught me to jump fences, was euthanized yesterday. And a dear old gelding, belonging to a barn pal, is struggling to stay standing today.

To a horse lover, losing an equine companion can be every bit as grief-worthy as the passing of a human family member or a close friend.

What can caring folks do or say to support someone who has just lost a horse?

Here are five ways to reach out to a grieving horse lover. For simplicity’s sake, let’s use a horse acronym, “NEIGH.”

N = Never nicker.

Why do people always seem to practice verbal calisthenics, stretching for all sorts of inappropriate things to say when others are mourning? A grieving horse owner is not likely to be encouraged by trite sayings, lame platitudes, personal horror stories of lost horses, or even unwelcome advice while enduring the pits of grief.

E = Ears forward.

The most sensitive and caring friends offer to listen to the mourning horse lover’s stories of grief, veterinary nightmares and even happy memories shared with the horse that has died – even if those stories are repeated numerous times.

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I = Instincts are insightful.

Often, simply sharing silent moments of unspoken understanding can be a marvelous way of showing compassion for the one who has just lost a much-loved horse.

G = Gallop in with good deeds.

When a horse has died, several difficult tasks may await the equine’s owner. Helpful friends may offer to pitch in at such moments, if appropriate.

For example, the grieving horse lover may need assistance in cleaning out the horse’s stall, packing up saddles and tack, or making arrangements for the horse’s remains. These responsibilities can be extremely emotional for the one who is mourning, but a close friend may be able to help.

When my own horse died, two barn friends stayed with me by a front pasture gate, visiting with other favorite horses, while her remains were removed from the back of the barn. The sight would have been a difficult memory to erase.

H = Hearken the herd.

Equestrian stables tend to be notorious for grapevine gossip, like any other close-knit community. When a horse has died, the owner’s friends can be extremely helpful by minimizing this, while compassionately informing those who will most sympathize with what has happened (with the owner’s permission). By running interference, so to speak, for the grieving horse lover, these companions may enlist additional encouragers.

These five simple steps can go a long way towards expressing care and concern for the mourning horse owner. Naysayers may beg to differ, but equine experience speaks volumes on the subject. 

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During my own season of mourning the loss of my mare, I welcomed and valued the friends who offered no unsolicited advice, but listened, empathized, offered assistance, and rallied other supportive horse-loving friends to do the same.

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What basic rules does a horse barn need?

Most equestrian riding and horse boarding facilities have basic barn rules, which may or may not be posted in a prominent spot on site. Others print their list of rules on their barn websites or in boarding or lesson contracts. 

What barn rules are most often included?

Generally, barn rules are aimed at safety (for horses and humans), common courtesy, and peaceful coexistence. Here are several commonly posted barn rules, gleaned from several sources. Not all barns choose to have all of these rules, although many of these items may merit inclusion.

• No smoking.
• ASTM-approved safety helmets are required for all riders (or all riders aged 18 and under).
• Sturdy closed-toe shoes are required at the barn.
• All riders (or their parents, if minors) must sign liability release forms.
• Visitors must be accompanied by barn staff or horse owners.
• Children must be adult-supervised at the barn.
• Unleashed dogs are not allowed on the barn premises.
• Please clean up after your horse.
• Please clean up after yourself.
• No drama.
• Hand-grazing is not permitted on the barn owner’s lawn.
• Do not leave horses unattended (except in turnout or their own stalls).
• If you break something (or your horse does), please speak up.
• Barn board is due on the first of the month. Every month.
• Call out “Door!” before entering the arena.
• No stopping or standing on the rail in the arena.
• Out-of-control horses (on lines or under saddle) must be collected and depart the arena, while others are using it.
• A barn-approved riding instructor/trainer must be present during jumping.
• Do not handle, ride, lunge, medicate, feed, or offer treats to others’ horses without permission.
• Vet calls may be placed only by horse owners and barn staff (with horse owners’ permission)
• Only horses, barn staff, and boarders are allowed in the turnouts.
• Heaters and lights must be turned off, if not in use.
• Parking must not block access to horse trailers.

Additional rules may cover barn hours, horse vaccination and deworming requirements, arena usage, tack storage, guest riding policies, lesson/clinic arena priorities, and other concerns.

Of course, the big question remains:  How are these barn rules enforced?

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Someone wants to ride your horse? (You’re welcome.)

Everybody dreams of riding horses. Don’t they? OK, nearly everyone. And, when non-horsey folks hear of friends who have horses, isn’t this a frequent request?

"Can I ride your horse?"  (Or my personal favorite, "Can my kid ride your horse?)

Wait a second.

Do you hear that noise?

That’s the sound of hundreds of horse lovers, all cringing at once. In the background, maybe you can also make out the sound of tons of insurance adjusters, revving up their calculators to re-evaluate our collective premiums (if we even carry equine insurance). Listen carefully, and you might also hear scores of barn owners groaning over the possible liability suits that may arise, regardless of any signed waivers, if Johnny Noclue or Katie Neverrode should be suddenly launched from a horse loaned by a too-trusting owner.

And in the distance, you might also pick out the sound of an equine veterinarian, warming up the truck for another barn call.

So here’s one direction the horse riding request conversation might go.

“You have a horse? Can I come ride him?”

“Well, let’s see. You have a fancy motorcycle. Can I come out and try it?

“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. It can be a little unpredictable. It sort of has a mind of its own.”

“Ah, I see.”

You’re welcome, fellow horse lovers.

It’s not that horse owners are stingy. It’s just that many of us work long and hard to afford our own horses, so we can school and train and care for them, hoping to follow our equestrian pursuits for the long haul. We know and understand the potential dangers of stepping up onto huge, strong, energetic creatures with their own attitudes and wills. And we have at least an inkling of the possible legal and financial ramifications of putting our prized animals or our friends at risk.

After all, horses aren’t exactly bicycles.

My bike, I’d readily loan to a friend. My horse, not so much. 

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